Insights to expressing my Christhood.

Today I felt like writing my experiences that I like to share with all of my brothers and sisters who are contemplating walking the path of Christhood.  So, I will give you all some of my insights.

When I was little, I always have this urge to express myself truthfully as I see things that aren’t true or an illusion in the making.  I didn’t know why or how I could have know this, but I had this ability to see and sense the untruth.  And it wasn’t like I had the urge to express them to make myself look great or famous or even validated.  It was almost as if I want to express them because in my heart, it was the right thing to do.  And then one day, I knew this young woman in school who was doing something to manipulate some people, mostly boys so she could have an advantage over them or power over them.  And then of course, I saw the untruths in her and called her out, but not in an aggressive manner.  It was basically my honest opinion that what she’s doing was not right.  Suffice to say, she got upset and went to her mother and told her that I disrespected her and hurt her feelings.  Her mother went to the teacher and the teacher called my mother. My mother went back home and told me that I should have bent over her and be at peace.  Basically she was telling me that it was ok to change myself and my behaviour to appease her.  Anyhow the next day in class, my teacher punished me for what I did, by saying the truth, and basically paraded me in front of class, make me write an apology letter to her and make me stand outside class and show it to all other students.  In effect, the teacher and students humiliated me.  I felt shamed and humiliated.  It was at that moment, I started to have doubts that the action I did from my heart was not the highest possible action.  But this would not be my only punishment.  A few years earlier, my dad was evading government officials for voicing his resentment on the corrupt government.  We were living in a country where corruption is paramount.  The government officials came to our house and my dad hid up on the roof.  He told me to lie to those officials, but my heart felt I had to tell the truth.  So I told them where my dad was — up in the roof.  After the officials left, my dad came to me, scolded me for being stupid!!  Why could you just LIE?!?  Why did you need to tell the truth?  If you tell the truth, you will not be successful in life stupid!  While I have other instances where people were suppressing my needs to express myself from within, it was these 2 incidents where my parents were effectively suppressing my abilities to express from the heart.  From those moments on, I always have doubts where I should express this or that.  And that I didn’t want to experience the punishment and shame that I had to endure when I was young.

This need to suppress my inner voice and express the truth would cause me to go into downward spiral and to address this, I came to embrace several addictions, namely accumulating material things and engaging in sexual activities for all to curtail my inner pain, the lack of inner peace and harmony.  It went on for several years and for the most part, I would be living a life, but it wasn’t an authentic life.  I would be like a chameleon, changing and adapting myself so not to offend others.  I would change my behaviours to mould myself to the women I want to sleep with because I know that if I mould on to their image, I can get sex and they would love it.  Of course, I thought the more material love and things I got, the more happier I would be.  But then, that would continue to bring me more hardship, more pain and more disharmony.  I contracted several illnesses.  And it was those dark times when I finally prayed for the first time and Jesus came to comfort me with his love.  I studied under him for a few years, but something was still amiss.  

One day, I came to a conclusion that I need to be the child I was before.  The young child who was not afraid to express himself freely and authentically from the heart, fearless from punishment for he knew nothing about punishment.  So I started expressing myself from the heart again.  It started to feel good, but I realize that if I express something these people do not expect me to say, they feel offended.  And for the most part, I stopped expressing authentically, because it usually comes with a feeling of guilt which I couldn’t explain at the time.  Then I would bend backwards and change or apologize.  But sometimes, I would express authentically and not change myself.  At those times, I would compare the feeling of expressing from the heart, which leads me to peace and harmony even after feeling somewhat guilty of doing that.  When compared to the times when I expressed from the heart and then changed to accommodate them because of this feeling of guilt, I would not feel the sense of peace and harmony.  In fact, I felt the need to continue to lie and accommodate others to make them feel happy so I can be happy and be at peace.  But this is not a permanent peace.

I would continue to express myself from the heart, but overtime, I would become more daring, not fearing the consequences.  The more daring I am and honouring who I am, the more at peace I felt.  But of course, other people do not necessarily agree with what I said, but eventually though some of them realize I was voicing the truth because a little while later, the things I said became reality.

But the main arch nemesis was to express complete authenticity from my heart and that fear and doubt still lingers me as a bad memory I had in my childhood.  The punishment I got from school for being a party pooper; someone who doesn’t tow the line.  Well, as I had built up enough courage to express myself from the heart, it came to the point that one day I had to say the truth.  That was when our company president, who was like the little girl that I called out during my childhood years, was also telling some untruths.  Several of our employees wanted to say something, but during the meeting no one dared to step forward fearing punishment, and or worse lost of employment.  But I felt at the time that, I had to conquer my fears and honour the truth in my heart.  So I did it!  I told the truth in front of him.  And then a few days later, the human resource manager came to see me with my boss and they took me into the room.  In the room, the HR manager basically told me that I disrespected our president and then asked me to sign an apology letter and have my record noted for saying that.  My boss, who was understanding defended me stating that I was telling the truth.  I think the HR manager knows that, but she feared her loosing her job rather than wanting to accept the truth.  This can happen if you are so attached to the material world.  

Anyhow, I refused to sign the letter because I said I did nothing wrong.  The president was asking for an honest opinion and I gave him mine.  That night, I felt a complete sense of guilt as though some entity was telling me that what I did was wrong.  Just bend over and sign it and say sorry.  But I didn’t, I just let it go.  And then a few days later, I felt this sense of relief.  The relief was that, it felt good to express from my heart.  But I also noticed that it helped changed others in my company to become brave to express themselves authentically as well.  For what I realized at that moment was, I was able to see these entities within me limiting my options but I also saw that I was trying to change others and save others from their lies and illusions.  But I saw that there was no point in doing that.  it was always their free will to be like in this state and I am not here to save them.  I’m only here to show them a better way, a better choice from my example.  I didn’t realize what happened that way was that I realized one of my birth traumas and at that time I called them my “human” entities which now the masters call them primal selves that control my life, my responses and my action to be on the path.

Only when I resolved my birth traumas and removing the primal selves in me thank to the masters teachings that I could realize my divine path I am walking today.  This path is freedom, the freedom to co-create my gifts that I was meant to bring on this planet.  And that would also allow me to become MORE by experimenting and expanding my experiences and thus co-create MORE.

So my insights to you is this.  Start expressing your Christhood when your heart calls for it.  You do not have to be perfect.  At least I wasn’t.  Do not be afraid to make mistakes for surely you would.  I did!  But what is important is this.  As you build up more confidence to express your Christhood, you will also build upon your Christ discernment and hone in that skill.  For Christhood and Christ Discernment go hand in hand and as you raise your level of consciousness so will your level of Christ Discernment.

SO, what’s stopping you now when you know I did it or my many brothers and sisters before me did.